


everything i wanted

by felixsunshine



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Hope, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, big projection, chan taking care of sungie, yes wrote this instead of sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-20 21:24:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22549948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixsunshine/pseuds/felixsunshine
Summary: jisung has a dream. chan is there with him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han
Comments: 2
Kudos: 59





	everything i wanted

**Author's Note:**

> i was mainly inspired by billie's music, everything i wanted. it's literally on my repeat. but this is also a big projection of me and what i'm feeling right now, with just a little fluff i think? because i love banghan so much.
> 
> as the tag says there are indirect mentions of thinking about suicide so i wanted to leave this warning here. please don't read if you don't feel so comfortable or don't like to imagine your idols sad or something, okay? but it's nothing too much, i guess...
> 
> as i said, it’s my projection and writing helps me. i really hope that this can give you some kind of comfort too.
> 
> this too shall pass, as our han jisung would say.

jisung woke up bewildered. was it really real? was he alive or dead? was everything in his head? it looked very real.

when he opened his eyes everything looked the same as always. chan was beside him, lying down, his lips swollen which means that he was in fact sleeping soundly.

jisung had a dream, but on second thought he could call it a nightmare... he tried to kill himself. and that wasn't the worst part: he tried and everyone was looking at him while he was doing it. and nobody cared.

honestly? that's an old thought already. jisung was sure that no one would miss him, but his brain got the best of him this time, confirming his thoughts.

maybe, just maybe, he expected everyone to care if he left. however, apparently it wasn't the case in his dream.

jisung straightened up on the bed, he was shaking and his heart was racing. he usually woke up like that. for no reason, he felt anxious every time he just woke up. _every day._

that anxiety never seemed to leave him alone. it always looked like something bad was going to happen at any moment, he just couldn't say what and why that feeling wouldn't go away.

he really wanted that feeling to go away. jisung, despite everything, always had hope within him. even if his whole being forced him to think that nothing would work, he tried to fight back and prove the opposite. but it's still hard.

the dream was not real. he had woken up, he was fine, and none of that was real. but why did it felt like it was? what he dreamed was all he wanted for a long time. yes, everything he wanted. only that. _that._

but seeing no one care while you're doing it is at least sad.

jisung was _tired_. it felt like yesterday was a year ago. every day took so long to pass and everything took so long to get better... and jisung was tired.

was he better dead? was everything going to get better when he was gone?

for as long as he can remember, jisung was a sad person. he was used to it. after so many days trying to survive you end up getting used to that empty feeling that tries to eat you sometimes. and most of the time, you can ignore that fact. but it's hard.

you end up getting used to being alone, _enjoying_ being alone. and that feeling of sadness often becomes your company.

jisung was unable to organize his thoughts. he wanted to scream, he wanted to wake up chan, he didn't even know what he wanted.

he had a good life. then why was he so unhappy? why so much negative and intrusive thoughts? if he did the same as his dream, would that really be true? would everything remain the same? it was so scary.

with his hands over his face he closed his eyes. he couldn't cry either. he felt empty. he thought he could handle anything very well, but the truth is that he felt a big "whatever" about everything.

nothing really surprised him anymore. everything around him is so sad and difficult. but he was still trying to expand his vision and _live._

one more day.

that's how he ended all his days... it's a great achievement to endure another day, so jisung was doing well, or something like that.

as if feeling jisung's agony, chan woke up. he saw jisung sitting with his hands on his face, shaking.

"sungie... why are you awake?", he got up on the bed, approaching jisung slowly.

jisung then removed his hands from his face and looked at chan. a worried expression wandered over him.

"i had a bad dream," jisung replied almost in a whisper.

chan understood jisung more than anyone else. in fact, chan was the only person jisung had. he wasn't even kidding, chan was literally the only person.

chan, more than anyone, understood all his feelings. so he felt at peace by his side. they could help themselves when things got unbearable. jisung loved him so much, it almost hurt to love someone that much.

without thinking straight, and taking advantage that chan woke up, jisung asked:

"would you miss me if i wasn't here anymore?", he looked at his hands as he said. he hated showing any sign of vulnerability, but it's impossible to be strong all the time.

chan held his face with both hands. chan knew him so well that he was almost sure he could even imagine the kind of dream that jisung had. after all, it wasn't the first time.

"if you knew how much i would miss you, i don't think you would even question why you really are here, in this world", chan replied, in such a sincere way that he had no doubt.

"but, i don't think anybody else would miss me," jisung laughed as he answered again. "it wouldn't matter, i guess".

chan stroked his face and then slid down to hold jisung's hands, trying to pull him into a hug while they were laid down. chan positioned jisung's head on his shoulder and squeezed it tight. he felt welcomed.

"as long as i'm here, i'll miss you, always. and as long as i'm here, no one can hurt you," chan replied whispering as he continued to hug him tightly. "if i could change the way that you see yourself, you know i would," he continued. "if i could take away all your pain, i would too. i'm sorry i can't. but i'm here, right now".

jisung felt he could breathe again, little by little. chan calmed him down in an unbelievable way.

life is hard, but at least he has chan. and chan would miss him.

one more day.

chan looked at jisung in such a sweet way. he just wanted to see that boy fine, and the feeling was mutual. chan then kissed him slowly, quick and soft, as a way of reminding him how much he loved him. and then also kissed his cheeks, and his nose, filling his face with kisses.

"it was just a nightmare," chan reminded him as he slid his fingers through his hair and his other hand on jisung's back to reassure him. "i'm here with you".

jisung felt a little less lonely next to chan.

there are several ways to die without actually dying. jisung thought he had already experienced death a few times, several times. but he felt a little more alive next to chan.

if chan had cared about him in the dream, would he still have done it?

that little hope that was still with jisung, he preferred to have faith most of the time. even when he is sleeping and his head doesn't give him a break and propose a nightmare like this... he decides to keep going.

in the end, maybe, death wasn't everything he wanted. maybe, everything he _really_ wanted was: hope.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, really. 🖤
> 
> chan actually means the hope for me, in this fic. just like jisung i feel alone so chan is that positive thought that wanders in my head. stray kids in general give me a lot of strength.
> 
> remember, there is always someone who will miss you.


End file.
